moms extraordinaire
"Every working mom needs a little me time!"
I watched a wonderful documentary about the migration of the Monarch butterfly. The Monarch butterfly travels over 3,000 miles from the northern part of North America to a small town in In the business world when the day shifts and takes you off course – you cannot rest like the Monarch. You can say to yourself – let me rest my thoughts by saying – “this too will past” or take a moment to put what has happened into perspective. Ask yourself – is this something I have to take care of immediately – what is the sense of urgency – is my reaction positive or negative – are your negative thoughts sabotaging the good parts of the day – can I put this on hold – how bad is the bump. Getting back on course is a choice – it matters how you react to the shift of your day. When the Monarch finally reaches this small village in What we can do is to create our own celebration – pat ourselves on the back. Even though there was a shift in my day – I returned back to my flow. Author – Professional Speaker It’s Your Turn: Find Your Authentic Self and Go Fetch It! www.drbarbaracollins.com
The Monarchs Amazing Journey
Many times we are taken off course in our daily journey - especially when there is a day that feels like we are in a flow. That’s life, I guess. Sometimes I’m frustrated because just when my day feels like I got it all together something interferes or creates a bump that disturbs my flow. When the Monarch feels the wind shift it takes a rest somewhere over the ocean; maybe they rest on a boat until the wind shifts back to the direction it needs to continue.
The Monarch butterfly communicates what it needs in its own natural way – it appears from the documentary that they communicate instinctively – God gave them the internal focus needed to survive the journey. We have to communicate verbally on what we need to get back on course. Sometimes saying to someone I cannot handle this now is an option – for some the sense of urgency is overwhelming or critical and saying no does not work. It’s a choice and it’s relative for everyone.
We don’t always celebrate when we complete our daily journeys – wouldn’t that be nice that when you return home there is band, food and a celebration of completion. Wow just the thought brings a smile to my face.
Dr. Barbara Collins
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Letting Your Voice Be Heard
You must allow you voice to be heard.
Women, don’t let men drown out your voices. We often let unspoken norms in the workplace silence our voices. When we want to speak our truth, we hesitate, afraid of losing our jobs. But, we must speak up; what we have to say is important.
As I have learned, you can speak your truth by saying what you mean from the deepest part of your self.
It can be challenging to speak authentically when you feel verbally abused or have your self-worth is impacted, says Eckert Tolle in his book, A New Earth Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.
“When someone blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself – do nothing. Allow the self image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside of you,” he says.
“For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk inside. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you have expanded.”
When I first read this, I tried to imagine what feeling “intensely alive” feels like, but I couldn’t be sure until I tested it out.
Several days later, someone blamed me for an error in what I felt was a nasty manner. But, instead of reacting immediately, I said nothing, took a deep breath, and tuned into my feelings.
I said to myself, “I know who I am, and right now I feel uncomfortable.” But, after a few seconds, the bad feelings passed and I did expand into my greater good. It was just as Tolle said it would be.
“That through becoming ‘less,’ you become more,” Tolle says. “When you no longer defend or attempt to strengthen the form of yourself, you step out of identification with form, with mental self-image.”
This was a powerful “aha moment” for me that connected me to what it feels like to be authentic in communication. Getting in touch with my ego helped me to connect to my greater self. Authentically speaking your truth can be powerful with silence.
However, silence doesn’t mean you turn yourself into a victim and accept abuse. A hostile situation may demand that you tell someone to “back off.” There is power behind words. You can say, “no” to someone with what Tolle calls a “high quality no” that is free of negativity.
Communicating your truth means knowing how to be heard without hands on hips, pointing fingers or raising voices. These are negative messages that shutdown effective communication. Communicating authentically is speaking your truth after you have calmed down and moved away from the negative situation. Time and space creates a much stronger voice.
Before learning to communicate authentically, I found speaking my truth in conversations with men was challenging. I, like many women, liked to engage in conversation with questions, which I found can be met with annoyance by men.
Questioning is a normal way for women to carry on a conversation, says Dr. Aaron T. Beck in his book “Love is Never Enough.” However, Beck, the director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the
Most researchers, Beck says, believe that women’s propensity for question-asking indicates their investment in maintaining routine interactions between people. Men are less likely than women to ask personal questions, thinking, “If she wants to tell me something, she’ll tell me without my asking.” A woman, on the other hand, might reflect, “If I don’t ask, he’ll think that I don’t care.”
For men, questions may represent intrusive meddling and an invasion of privacy; for women questioning is a sign of intimacy and an expression of caring, says Beck. “Men need to recognize that dogmatic statements are ‘conversation stoppers.’”
Speaking authentically means recognizing and valuing the differences in how men and women communicate truth. With this knowledge, you two can be on your way to authentic communication.
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*Listen for the clues. (i.e. - remember how you loved to organize events)
LEADING WITH AUTHENTIC POWER
I made a recent Harvard Business Review article required reading for all graduate students enrolled in the Masters in Organizational Leadership program.
My reasoning? The core evidence shown in February 2007’s “Discovering Your Authentic Leadership” is how I’ve been able to build myself into a strong leader.
“We all have the capacity to inspire and empower others,” it reads. “But we must first be willing to devote ourselves to our personal growth and development as leaders.”
The article’s authors, Bill George, Peter Sims, Andrew N. MCLean, and Diana Mayer, interviewed 75 members of the Stanford Graduate School of Business Advisory Council, inquiring about the most important capability for leaders to develop their leadership skills.
Their answer was nearly unanimous: self-awareness. One’s beliefs and convictions frame the values to form the basis of authentic leadership.
The journey to authentic leadership begins with understanding the story of your life, which is how I’ve harnessed my own passion in helping people work and live with authenticity.
For some budding leaders, this may seem daunting. Yet, the article and my experience suggest that knowing your true self empowers you to make effective decisions. You can better assess if your values are aligned with the organization’s core values. Self-awareness also helps you to discover, or even rediscover, hidden talents to create an authentic career you deserve.
Judy Garland once said, “Always be the first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else.” Like Ms. Garland, authentic leaders know who they are and how to develop the capacity to lead with power.
Tips to Find Your Authentic Self copyright - 2008
Tip #1 - Ask Someone You Trust
Ask a close friend or family member who has known you for a significant amount of time to identify a positive skill or trait that you demonstrated with ease, the least amount of effort and you exhibited joy.
Finding your authentic self is like going on an archaeological dig, a rediscovery or discovery of your “true” self. By asking someone who has been your companion in life can help surface the part of yourself that is natural state of who you are as this is often a part of yourself that you take for granted. Ask someone you talk to often, who is able to give you genuine and loving feedback.
*Investigate one clue; revisit the experience to see if it still brings you joy.
*Follow through and rediscover the joy – you may be surprise what you will find.
*Then, e-mail me and share your discovery – I would love to hear about your journey.
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GROWING A NEW YOU
People should behave like lobsters, says Rev. Sheila Pierce, and spend their lives continually molting. We have a lot to learn from a clawed creature that removes himself from his old shell in order to grow a new one dozens of times over, said the pastor on a recent Sunday at the
While a lobster prepares for molting, his old shell cracks and he backs out of it, leaving it behind. In the new soft shell, he is vulnerable to predators, and must remain in hiding while waiting for his shell to harden. The vulnerable membrane is at risk of hitting the coral, so he burrows to feel safe. After several weeks, the lobster has fully grown into its shell, and the cycle of molting and growing begins again.
Our own spiritual journeys to discover our hidden talents may follow a similar path. In doing so, we need to:
• Shed fears that hold back the courage to grow.
• Shed values that do not work anymore.
• Shed negative energy that block inner growth.
• Shed feeling like a victim that inhibits the ability to feel empowered.
The lobster's path tells us that feeling vulnerable while growing is only natural. And, while we may be comfortable with our old self because of our work, titles and likes or dislikes, we must step out of these comfort zones. Just as the lobster burrows itself in a safe place while waiting for a new shell, we can regenerate in safe havens while transforming our lives, too. In our safe places, we can: To learn more about Dr. Barbara Collins and how to discover your authentic self, visit www.drbarbaracollins.com and read more about her book, “It’s Your Turn: Find Your Authentic Self and Go Fetch It!” Copyright 2008
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• Talk to close and trusted friends
• Write in a journal
• Visualize the new you
• Affirm that you deserve to the best in life
• Meditate to help quiet the mind
Finding out who you are is a choice. Remember you are more than you think you are. To help keep you strong, reflect on this quote from Joe E. Lewis, “You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.”
WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE YOUR TURN?
This is an excerpt from Barbara Collin's book "It's Your Turn: Find Your Authentic Self and Go Fetch It!"
Legend has it that the symbol of the Sankofa bird originates from the word “Sankofa,” which in the Akan language means to go back to the past in order to build for the future. Sankofa is symbolic of the spiritual mindset and cultural awakening of African people in the decades of their independence. Though the concept may seem new, it is an old tradition that links people to the discovery of their past, which is a fundamental building block for the future. The Sankofa bird is characterized by the turning of its head in the direction of its tail. In reality, the bird is either removing something from its tail, searching through its tail feathers or grooming itself. The Akan likens this action to looking backward, a symbol of looking at one’s past, or with the quest for knowledge, returning to the source.
Looking back in order to move forward empowers you to discover your authenticity, affirm your talents and own your power. This book is meant to act as your Sankofa bird on your journey to discovering your authentic self. When I took this journey, I returned to my past to discover the real me. It was as if I was in a dark tunnel, and everything I needed to know was outside waiting to be discovered. Any new experience I learned about the new me felt like sudden beams of light flashing in the tunnel. The brighter the light, the more I was able to see my God-given talents.
Have you ever experienced a sudden burst of light hitting your eyes? Initially, the light hurts your eyes until they adjust. This is how I felt when I discovered different parts of my authenticity. When I emerged from the dark tunnel of not knowing myself, what I saw was amazing. Through self-discovery, I uncovered revelations I had never imagined. It all began with a dim light of awareness that grew brighter and brighter. The tunnel is a metaphor for uncovering the unknown after wandering in the dark. The light is symbolic of the empowerment of true self. When we find ourselves on life’s journey to rediscover, we all look for that dim light.
Author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has said, “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” If part of something important is missing, the Sankofa legend tells us it is wise to “go back and fetch it,” thus, return to the beginning or retrace our steps to find parts of the missing solution. Sankofa is the repossession of something forgotten and the initiation of returning to the place where the object was lost in order to fetch it and move forward.
“It’s Your Turn” will help you to rediscover your purpose in life. Perhaps you selected this book or maybe a friend bought it for you. It really doesn’t matter how it came into your life. If you are willing to participate in these career empowerment strategies, you will gain the courage to look inside yourself and create the career you deserve. I did it for myself. In fact, I continue to do it every day.
For me, understanding the concept of “Sankofa” was a pivotal moment that convinced me that it was my turn to find my authentic self. Another came as I was reading Katheleen A. Brehony’s book, Awakening at Midlife. In the book, she describes the thoughts of Abraham Maslow and Carl Jung, two of my favorite behaviorists on human growth and development. “Like Maslow,” Brehony says, “Jung believed that the purpose of life was the unfolding of the unique, individual inner core or ‘self’ that is inherent in every person.”
This is what I want for you. I want you to say, “It’s my turn to become all that I can become.“ For many, women especially, finding their authentic self may seem daunting or self-serving. Saying “It’s Your Turn” is a way to pause and reflect on how to be more than you think you are. If you need reasons to take a pause, here are a few I hope will spur you on to do your inner work.
“It’s Your Turn” because:
You deserve to create the life you want.
You deserve to know the truth about who you are – and have faith that whatever you find is all good.
You are more than you think you are.
You are worth doing the work of finding self.
You know, deep down inside, no one can do this work but you.
You can create a support team if you need help to rediscover your true self.
You do not have to do this alone. (Your Spiritual source, or guiding higher power will always be with you. If you decide to get therapeutic help it does not mean you are mentally unstable – you just need a little help.)
You will look authentically beautiful, balanced, and in sync with the universe.
Convinced? I say, “It’s Your Turn to Go Fetch It!" I read somewhere that if you want to begin loving yourself, start with your baby picture. Recently I found my 6-month-old baby picture, which my mother had given to me before she passed away. Staring at the picture, I began to see a lovable and beautiful person both inside and outside. I looked deep into baby eyes and they were saying, “Love me. Love me. I really am worthy of your love.” Several years back, as a busy mom working long hours and feeling exhausted by day’s end, I would repeat to myself over and over, “I’ve done well because I am a super mom. I am a superwoman because I keep myself so busy.” Little did I realize that these affirmations were set up on the false premise of what it meant to love me. I was looking through a lens of what loving me looks like. I had it backwards, trying to love me from the outside instead of the inside. Being on automatic pilot can be OK if you are healthy and feeling the excitement and joy of taking care of the family. Attending school activities and playdates that the work schedule allows are all important in raising children, as is transporting children back and forth to activities day after day. But, how does loving you fit into your daily routine of being a mom extraordinaire? Finding your true self begins with finding your love of yourself. By doing so, you are giving yourself permission to say, “It’s My Turn,” even if it is only for a few minutes out of your busy day. Finding a few minutes of peace probably seems like an impossible luxury. However, the outcome of avoiding “me time” aborts the process of connecting to yourself and maintaining a healthy mind and body. Many women, especially women between the ages of 30 and 45, are better at taking time for themselves than their parents ever were, and this is a good thing. If you are able to take a few minutes during the day to treat yourself — time to think of your wants and needs — you are focusing on who you are and what makes you the person you are. This is the precious loving “me time” for which you need to make time to keep yourself well. When the body continues on automatic pilot for too long without “love me” breaks and acknowledging the good in you, the body and mind suffers. The body will send out messages and physical warnings crying out for your attention. Make a little “love me” time to acknowledge that you are a good mom and that you are loved, and keep you a healthy you. When I started on my path to loving me, I wanted to feel comfortable with saying “no” to anything that was not authentically me. I wanted to make decisions based on my core values without any guilt. Loving me was to acknowledge my inner power and affirm that I am worthy of being loved. Loving me was to forgive myself for letting go of those who I needed to let go. Loving me began as a wonderful opportunity to get control of my life and create an intention of self-love. Loving you is the beginning of feeling whole and complete, and allowing you to come home to yourself. It is also a preparation to ground yourself for when your children leave home to begin their own journeys. You want to set yourself up to feel good when this happens, instead of asking, “Now what do I do now with my life,” when they walk out the door. As behaviorist Carl Jung said, “We did not come into this world with a blank slate.” We are born with natural instincts and our ancestors’ hidden talents. We are like birds that know how to build a nest and instinctively feed their young. Like those birds, you have embedded gifts in you, and are more than you may realize. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- REINVENTING ME
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"LOVING ME" For BUSY MOMS
can love you, but that love will not make
you happy. What will make you happy is to share all the
love you have inside of you. That is the love that will make
a difference.” — Don Miguel Ruiz
I called a close friend soon after my daughters left for college. Parts of me felt hallow as I was alone in the house for the first time in 20-plus years. Tearfully, I told her, “I miss my babies.” “Then,” she said, “it’s time for you to grow.” I was taken aback by her response.
Time for me to grow? I was an adult; wasn’t my growing completed? In the mid-80s, there weren’t many resources to help me on my journey. Talk shows like “Oprah” and self-help books weren’t as prevalent as they are today. I was able to find “Pulling Your Own Strings” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, which helped me to realize that I needed to rediscover my authentic self in order to grow.
Discovering how to start this journey created an overwhelming fear of the unknown. Yet, I was desperate to fill an empty void inside me, yearning to feel whole and complete, so I drew on the love and encouragement from a selected few for strength, and thus created a support team that I called my Personal Board of Directors. My PBOD was comprised of people who played a significant role in helping me rediscover my dormant talents and gifts.
PBOD members offered advice, knowledge and support on my journey, and were close friends, family members and professionals who genuinely wanted the best for me. My PBOD members were people I trusted and who weren’t judgmental when I made my requests for their support. The first step on my journey was to find a wonderful therapist, compassionate but firm.
One of my first tasks in therapy was to buy flowers for myself. In the roles of a mother and wife, I was distracted from taking the time to love me, and buying the flowers was a conscious and deliberate act to take my turn to love me. I walked around the flower shop nervously, reflecting on words spoken by Dolly Parton. “The way I see it,” she said, “if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” There were so many types and colors that selecting flowers felt like a chore instead of pleasure. The sales person kept asking me if I needed any assistance, but I insisted I was fine. I almost gave up, until I realized what was really overwhelming me; I was trying to make a “perfect” decision. I cleared my head and found the most beautiful bouquet of roses. They were bright yellow with strong green stems. I inhaled their wonderful fragrance, and said to myself, “I deserve to have these flowers in my life.” Through this task and many others, my therapist helped me move through the fear of self-love. She helped me realize that it was worth digging deeper to find the true me, and she therefore became the first professional member of my PBOD.
During my self-rediscovery, I was completing the final stages of my doctorate degree and writing my dissertation. Writing every day for months seemed like a lonely process as I am an extrovert and I get my energy from people. I needed some external stimulation to get the job done. I talked to one of my closest friends and biggest supporters, Eugena, and asked her to help me be held accountable for writing eight pages a day for 30 days to ensure I completed my writing goal. It was my responsibility to do the work, but I knew at the end of a long day that Eugena’s motivation would help me stay focused. On a challenging day, when I completed only 6 pages, Eugena would assure me, “You will do better tomorrow.” But, then she would add, “No break for you tomorrow; no more ‘All My Children.’” As a close friend, she knew watching soap operas was a lunchtime treat, and her commands kept me on track.
With my second PBOD member’s assistance, I completed the first three chapters of my dissertation. During this time, I also reawakened the need to move my body and recapture a healthy lifestyle, something I neglected for years. I drew on the support of another friend, a physical fitness guru. Darlene convinced me that fulfilling a three-month commitment would create the benefits of feeling good, and agreed to help me get back on track. I would meet her at the gym in the city at 6:30 a.m. Before this, I was accustomed to leaving my house at 8 a.m., so getting up at 5:45 a.m. was a major challenge. After three weeks I began to get into a rhythm, getting out of the house before I could change my mind and get back into bed. After committing to my three-month goal, I realized that Darlene was right. I liked how my body felt. I had more energy during the day and, most importantly, I loved me for rediscovering the joy of a healthy body.
My third PBOD member played a critical role in getting me started. Taking care of my body was an opportunity to begin feeling good about who I am. Darlene was there as a supporter and a friend to help me stay focused. Today, I continue to exercise on my own, but Darlene is still around to give me a boost to get going. Surround yourself with people who provide what you need to get through your rediscovery.
Many women believe the superwoman syndrome means you need to do it alone. Or they question, “Why should someone want to help me?” That’s rubbish, ladies. Ask someone who cares about you and listen to her response. Today, my PBOD has increased to include attorneys, a business coach, an accountant and special doctors. My PBOD helps me realize that I do not have to create my authentic life alone. I do the work, but people with expertise provide me with what I need to fill in the gaps to my growth. I keep in mind that I don’t have all the answers.
Rediscovering one’s authentic self can seem daunting, fearful or overwhelming. My rediscovery began with a small act, buying myself flowers, but it was key to getting through my fear. Creating a PBOD can help you in your journey to find the true you. Start small, reaching out to a friend or a therapist, or by picking up a book at a bookstore or local library. Get whatever you need to start to find the true you. You don’t have to go it alone.